On Complaining

I saw this post from a friend and it set me off:

"I really have NO patience for stupid people and people who complain all the time about their jobs. In this economy, be happy you are on eof the employed and turn it into a positive"

Not sure what EOF means (used to mean end of file in programming language) but this was my response:

"I wouldn't lump in stupid people with people who complain. Two different camps. And I never ever ever relinquish my right to complain."

Now I can't speak for stupid people because I am trying to avoid them. I am polite and try to engage them in conversation anyway. But I get tired of people "complaining" about people who complain. To me this just mostly means they are incapable of being a true friend and listening to someone else. Most people I know are incapable of giving all of themselves to another person, even for a few minutes. At best, the receiving person makes sure that the listening is 50-50 (I used to ask why can't your 50 be tomorrow).

I wish people would consider that people who complain are merely releasing some of the tension that builds up with the pressures of work and life. Consider the co-workers who doesn't complain. Some are maxing out their credit cards shopping online during work hours (or after) while you are doing their work. And some are going out for smoking breaks every hour, moving closer to cancer while you cover their work. And there's one who does all his work and keeps his mouth shut but goes down to the local tavern at 5:00 pm and downs 4 or 5 before getting behind the wheel to drive home. There are a lot worse and more self destructive ways to deal with stress. And people who live an illusion if always being their for their friends seem to pass judgement as to when they feel they are needed.

(another quick thing - complaining comes in more than one flavor - sometimes it is just whining to someone who can't do anything about it. But other times it is to illuminate an injustice that needs to be addressed or a problem that needs to be worked on).

As for being grateful one has a job, when somebody tells you this they are imposing their own values on you; what you should do and feel. And if it comes from somebody without a job it is just their way of bringing you down to their level instead of them rising to your level.

Horoscope Guide by Holiday Mathis for week of Dec 20, 2009

GEMINI (May 21-June 21). A hunger burns in your soul. This hearty appetite isn’t for food -- it’s a longing for life that stirs you. You will be drawn to people who live in a way that is foreign to you. You’ll have the gumption to overturn your normal routine for days at a time. Your best friends are the ones who encourage you to try new things.

What I haven't done.

I need a type thingy in the car when I am thinking of these things. Here are the things I haven't done and will probably not do, as a refelction of my big failure in life...
Write a novel,
Run a marathon (with a decent time, mind you)
Play professional piano (in any capacity that involves performing adequately and earning money),

Damn - there was something else. A #4.

Oh well. the first two are a reflection of what is going on right now. Haven't been able to tackle the story part and it seems as if I have quickly given up on National Novel Writing Month. 3000 words of bullshit - just couldn't keep going.
The NYC marathon just passed, abd I don't even run anymore.
And of course I don't really practice very much piano.

There are probably many other things - too many national Parks and other places I will never visit. Walk the Appalachian Trail. A few things I dare not mention (who knows who can break in and read this). Want to excel at some sport. Make a large amount of money in one shot, be recognized for an achievement.

I never felt I had a dream come true and I never felt I ever had anyone support me in achieving a dream. My life is one big failure. I know people will disagree, because they feel like they have to trivialize things and cut me off but that is because other people apply their own values to me.

In going thru some old stuff I came to realize that I am at a lower point in my career than I ever was. I was doing better stuff 15 years ago then I am now.

Yankees vs. Phillies, 2009 World Series.

I am asking his fellow Mets fans to pull their head out of 1947 or 1977 and get some perspective. The folks in The Bronx are our neighbors. The true enemy has names like Utley and Victorino and lies 90 minutes south on the Turnpike, take a left at the Ben Franklyn bridge. If the Yankees want to take their trip down the Canyon of Heroes, let them. It's what they do. What we don't want is Jimmy Rollins or Cole Hamels mouthing off about The Mets during the off season and then backing it up. Yankees over Phillies!!!

The Mets fans animosity toward the Yankees is an outgrowth of the Yankees beating the Brooklyn Dodgers in 5 World Series from 1947 to 1956 (the Dodgers won one in 1955). The Mets were always seen as an extension of The Brooklyn Dodgers and adapted many of their fans (I am not sure what happened to the New York Giants fans). So it was natural for them to "hate" the Yankees. But in reality, it took almost 30 years for that rivalry to make sense of make a difference. From 1962 to 1999 they were rarely contenders at the same time. And nobody took the Mayors Trophy Game that seriously.

Come 2000, there was actually a Subway Series between the two teams. But reality check: The Mets (yes - MY Mets) were way out of their league. Even though they had an infield featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated, their outfield should have been featured on the cover of Stupid Player Monthly (I've always imagined what The Mets would have been like if they had the Kansas City Royals young outfield from that year : Johnny Damon, Jermaine Dye, and Carlos Beltran). 2000 was in the middle of the Yankees mini dynasty and the Wild Card Mets weren't going to topple them.

1976

Hello Goodbye

Stand together - to be edited

This will be an evolving post

1. Suppose there was something that would threaten the Jews of this area. Could the local temples stand together and support each other for our mutual survival. I'm not just talking about Temple Sinai - they would show up to any picnic we threw. And I suppose Beth Shalom would join us. But what about the Chabad of Roslyn on Powerhouse, and Orthodox Roslyn Synagogue on Garden Street, and the Young Sephardic Iranian synagogue on Willis, and shelter Rock Jewish Center. If we found our very survival in jeopardy, could be put aside our religious differences and fight as one people?

2. I recently read that that Ronan Tynan, an Irish Tenor who sang the 7th inning stretch at Yankee Stadium was released from this gig for statements he made while shopping for an apartment. He said that to a real estate agent showing an apartment on his floor that he was ok with the prospective tenants as long as they weren't Jewish. He later claimed he was only speaking in jest. The real estate company called his comments appalling even though everybody else - the tenants, the Yankees seem to accept his apology as sincere.

The second story I will quote from AP about a campaign incident in South Carolina

"Two Republican county officials in South Carolina have apologized after they disparaged Jews in a newspaper op-ed in support of a fiscally conservative U.S. senator.

The chairmen, Edwin Merwin Jr. and Jim Ulmer, wrote the newspaper in backing Republican Sen. Jim DeMint's opposition to congressional earmarks.

"There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves," according to the piece published Sunday in The Times and Democrat of Orangeburg.

DeMint called the comment thoughtless and hurtful Tuesday, and one of South Carolina's two Jewish legislators, Democratic state Sen. Joel Lourie, said he was outraged."

In another report we heard :

"Democratic state Sen. Joel Lourie, said he was outraged.

“The words of these key Republican leaders are disgusting, unconscionable and represent prejudice in its purest form" "

I am a little late to the party but I could have written a letter in response to this supposed outrage. First of all, to all those who call the comments racist - the Jews are not a race. That is what Hitler called us to help justify murder.

"I want to thank Jim DeMint's concern that the comments made by his supporters concerning Jews and penny pinching were hurtful and thoughtless. However, the Jewish people are a pretty thick skinned bunch and we will let you know when we are "hurt" or "outraged".

You can do us a favor if you feel up to it. The next time one of your constituents implies that President Obama is Hitler, or abortions are like the Holocaust, or that feminists are nazis, or that the health care reform is akin to Josef Mengele's experiments, help us out and set those people straight on the truth "

3. When I get to continue I will write about Jews picking on other Jews instead of watching each other's backs.

Ownership

Ok, a couple of things from the Board Meeting last night. So I am standing around and have nowhere to sit because people are sitting in my usual seat. And I notice the usual comings and goings -people walking up to each other, business, old friends. I have none of that there, or anywhere for that matter. Finally H comes up to me - she was at her usual seat - but she knows from the past that this bothers me. In telling me that she is swamped with publicity I remind her that used to do publicity - write articles for the web site and the local community rags. But when the web site committee, who wouldn't allow me on, would present, they neglected to give me credit. And publicity, which H W chaired with B.B-F. had their meetings Friday afternoon and acted oblivious to me writing things for them. So I sort of faced away.

When Rb T.C. gave his report he ended it by mentioning "ownership" - a word I like to use. I am learning that it isn't enough to get cretit for an accomplishment, and paychecks can be unsatisfying after all the bills are paid. What motivates people is ownership. To know it was their baby and they are successful. Right now the place is run by relatively few people with no oversite. When I am asked to join a committee I am treated like a low level employee, given a chore to do to make me feel involved. And I may or may not be given credit for it. Which is why I have trouble doing chores in the first place. It takes away ownership. The chores are based on someone else's values, defined by narrow parameters. And most of the time the results are thankless.

Almost a week

Has it really been 6 days since my last post? That's why I need to carry around a posting device (ie computer or phone). The ideas were in my head.

One of the ideas was to write down some of my potential plots. I don't know if I am making too big a deal of it but I just can't come up with a decent story. Maybe I will use writing prompts every day and write 3000 words.

Now I am forgetting what I came up with. Well a couple of the ideas involved a super human that was invunerable to every other supernatural villain. Not that he had any other power, my no vampire could bite him. Another super human could stop time except for someone around him, and then stories in his stopped time. Another I came up wtih long ago was either the kidnapper or the assasin who pisses off his victim and then becomes the victim. So the story is thru the original criminal and how scared shitless and alone he is. Hopefully far enough off from the Mel Gibson movie (that anti-semite!!!).

I need a small laptop. Or a large netbook. I will find myself at an all day conference when I could use one, as well as other venues. I should buy one. I had my eye on an 11.6 inch one and wondered if I should wait for the new version of windows.

Writing propts are nice but I need real story ideas. I wonder of their are plot prompts. I will explore.

Perhaps I am a vegan standed on a desert island and when the local fish and fauna see what an effort I make in not eating them they become my friends and help me.

But how will it end?

Still haven't come up with a story.

But how hard can it be???????????? I just need something of an outline in the next couple of weeks.

The reason why we do things

I discovered that in my organization there are three reasons why we do the assignments we are given. 1. Because we should be grateful and not gripe. 2. Do as your told and keep your mouth shut or you may lose your job. 3. Because "they" might see you, catch you - not doing what you are supposed to or not having what you are supposed to, or doing "it" wrong.

The problem with all this is that at no time are we given ownership over the situation - a feeling that we are making a difference or even getting a direct benefit. I find the most surprising thing is that nobody questions what goes on. This seems to apply to the workplace as well as the temple - committees and board.

If it is for the first three reason and bot ownership over the situation then the absurdities - politics and cover your ass mentality become all to apparent. Administrators making workers do waste of time things because it might save their job (ours are usually safe). People have to know that their opinions are (a) asked for (b) heard, and (c) respected. When does that ever happen in the school system.

One of the biggest absurdities is the calling of parents - a kid is absent 90 times, is 17 years old, and only has a dozen credits. And it's this teacher who is going to "break" the news to his "parents". They have either gotten this call a thousand times, read the report cards, conference with guidance and still can't or won't do anything about it, or they are completely neglectful. I guess the third situation that the kid fell through the cracks and might be too far gone, but I doubt it.

Truth is I am tired of wasting valuable resources on kids who refuse to commit themselves to the system in place. I mean, if they came up with a better system and they will be one of those drop out successes, god bless them. Otherwise it is a matter of diminishing returns.

I have to get my binder together.

What is out of our control

In planning for a school year several planners should have the opportunity to spend several weeks planning. Some of the first days should be patiently spent with just legal pads and discussion without the urgency to "do something." I would like to be in a brainstorming session where we go over every possibility, contingency, and have a chance to dream.

But people are not like that.

One of the things we would have to start with is what is beyond our control - either temporarily or permanently. For example, the poor job at programming students for the wrong classes - perhaps if addressed early that could be taken care of with guidance. Or several sections of classes could be rearranged to match kids up with their appropriate level.

Other things out of our control - excessive absences, not studying, the Regents exam, language barriers, C6 obligations, inflexible or non negotiable rules (whatever they are).

I have classes of students with over 50 absences from last year on my register. They should be in a two term course. Some students admit to not studying. The students who go 50 or higher in the last regents should be grouped.

Once we get these rules on a board in plain sight we can work from there to work around them. We need classes that are close together and close to the action. We need math classes that are always math classes. We need professional meeting places, not dirty classrooms.

More on this as I think of it.

Recent things on vegan

The following was posted in a message board and sent as an email.

This was an excellent post, ********, and I hope a few people stop and catch their breath after reading it. I read on this board an implication that ethical veganism is the only veganism. Does that mean I should call myself something else if I'm not willing to join a PETA rally? I still have to tell people that I eat a vegan diet, which means I still have to use the word. And what about our comforts that affect animals in other ways? Should I give up my cell phone because it is made with precious metals mined in the Congo? Should we not shop in supermarkets that have a meat and dairy case?

I hope that some of our more passionate members will come to appreciate the little steps that all of us take. And I hope that if 20 years from there was a 10, 20, 25 % decrease is meat eating and fur wearing we can at least be proud of the effort.

------

After a year and three quarters I am still trying to come to terms with my own veganism. While it was the treatment of food anmals that pushed me over the edge I don't find myself compelled to go back out there and fight for the animals. Since that moment I've been more interested health and environmental aspects of animal farming. So much soybean and water wasted on feeding a animals for slaughter; beans and water that can more efficiently go to feed the hungry. So much poop and fertilizer draining into the water table and methane pumped into the air. So many recalls of beef and chicken. These are all legitimate concerns in my book.

...I was reading on yahoo "Foods that help you lose weight." And at the bottom of the list of whole grains and fruits was "Swiss Cheese." Huh? Because it has calcium in it. So why don't you just drink calcium fortified OJ or Soy Milk? I wanted to reach through the screen and throttle her.

From a facebook message.

"Wow - I think you just summed up the whole system in that character. I find the biggest problem (now) with administration is that every scrap of paper they order us to staple up of fill out, they tell us "that's what 'they' will look for." These untenured morons, who are scared shitless for their otherwise meaningless jobs, put their whole lives in terms of the bogeyman. Nothing meaningful, creative, or even efficient ever gets done."

"Do you get hit with a lot of "Differentiated Learning" bullshit? Every teacher with decent experience and half a nut will do it naturally. Yet, the weenies (admins) want us the "show" it in our lessons. This is their usual cover their ass move to protect them from the bogeymen (you know the bogeymen - they creep around the school, wearing suits in 90 degree weather, earning $150,000 for checking bulletins boards). At any meeting or workshop I remind the shaking weenies that differentiated learning is not an excuse for poor programing / placement and lack of study. The problem always is that all pedological fads are designed for k-3 elementary school classes and then crammed down the rest of our throats."

Scenes from a Monday

As I feel the burnout seeping its way into my brain and body I have had an interesting Monday. Right now in the Teacher's Center is a girl that is crying after a fight broke out earlier on the floor. Naturally there is no security officer on the floor. The one that finally came up could barely walk. Fat and useless.

Got my first observation out of the way. It was a sneak attack - the AP and Principal dropped in. I was told that these would be 5 minute drop by's but it turned out to be a full fledged observation. Satisfactory of course but lucky I had a lesson.

I have been reading Alfred Hitchcock magazine. A good source for short stories. Maybe by reading simple stories I will learn something. There seems to be millions of these magazines around- Analog and Asimov for Sci-Fi (one deals more with fantasy and the other with a basis in fact). And there is Hitchcock and Ellery Queen for mystery. It seems like some authors are frequent suppliers for these mags - which, again means that the writing is effortless. I should be able to do that.

I want to learn to craft a story. Right now I don't care about grammer or publishing. Let's just get this thing off the ground.

I need a soda.

Friday at the Library

Friday at the library - my decompression and salvation. Facing tons of work this weekend with family gatherings inbetween.

I can't believe nobody observes the silence of the library anymore.

Back to me. But I don't want to lose sight of why this started. I need an idea for a story. All the freakin' stories out there why am I a blank. I wish, at least, I had people to discuss it with.

I need a plot idea so I can get to work. I no longer believe in the no plot, no problem philosophy. I need a plot!

Just Needed to Write

The morning is off to a frustrating start and I felt I should do some writing. But all of the computers were taken and the library is closed for a meeting. So I came back here, knocked off some lesson planning, and found a computer. I wrote a few emails and now I feel a little decompressed to sit and write. It should be a busy day since I am way backed up on paper work. I'll do some during the building assignment time and maybe after school. I am meeting a group for some vegan pizza later and will have time to kill. I was thinking of picking up some canvas shoes and belt but let's not go nuts.

But this is such a waste. No life, no career. Now I can look back at all of my summers and free time and see I should have studied statistics, a language, computer programming, and piano. But I thought of all this last may and never did any of that. Still, I can't believe I have to endure another ten years of this nonsense - people throwing garbage on the floor, not studying, talking out. Does anyone have professional satisfaction??? Add writing - I had plenty of time to learn the craft of writing. I wonder what it would have been like if I had a mentor.

Two pieces of advice I should have taken and didn't. - "Leave the system" when I was young enough to get my state license and explore Long Island, and "A career is not something you do for your whole life." What would life have been like with several careers?

Ideas at the wrong time.

If I had a typing apparatus in temple at young kippur I could have typed one hell of a blog, just out of my anger toward the temple - how it is run, what I get out of it, and my place in it. I guess it is a good thing - I can go back to blending and not sweat it. I haven't grown so attached that I will miss it if it self destructs. I am tired of feeling like I work for people. I was handed a shovel in my first couple of months and told to start digging without any type of honey moon where I could fall in love with the place. I mean after 8 years of tolerating the shithole I worked in I had tears when I finally had to say goodbye. As the weeks go on I remembered everything I WON'T miss about the place. But still, I had ownership - I was respected, I was allowed to make decisions, go about my own business. But it seems like most aspects of my life are boiled down to be an hourly laborer.

And if I could have stopped my school work at 10:30 last night I could have written yet another blog about how crappy the school system is.

Where do the ideas come from?

As was the original intent, I want to write a novel. But where do the ideas come from? All I need is a one sentence premise to build around (I guess). Something like "A reluctant super-hero must prevent the destruction of his city from alien psychopaths." I guess that would account for most fantasy premises.

But I need something I can get inspired by, something I will continuously think of plots and sub plots and characters and scenes. The cocktail napkin approach - where you find yourself writing little ideas on scraps of paper.

I have written stories into email but why can't I think of anything compelling. I need to be more systematic about writing but I wonder if other writers are too.

While I am waiting, however, I will continue to read about the structure of a story and how to build it ONCE I get my idea.

So how do I write a story?

One of the inspirations for starting this blog was to get my writing started. An everyday thing and maybe something would come of it. I find most manuals - either writer's digest or books on writing fiction quite annoying. I am a visual learner. Give me a picture or mark up a story to show me the parts of a story I should look for. I need a chart or one of those pyramids. Or a laundry list with examples - first an outline of highlights to the story, then the three parts, then the characters - and take me through another author's thought process. I just find the articles and books on story writing surprisingly difficult to decipher.

Wanding the library hoping for a miracle

This is what the blog is for. I am wandering around the library with dialog in my head and this is a way of getting it out.

Where were my parents during my teenaged years. I cannot remember them spending any time with me from like the time I was 11 till I went to college. They threw a bar mitzvah for me and they they sent me to college, helping me with the paper work. But in between I draw a blank. There was one time we all stayed up to finish a project for 7th grade and a few lame vacations in which I would get yelled at but otherwise I can't recall them actively (not passively) encouraging me, moving things out of my way.

I have found that I have a weakness for taking initiative on my own. Give me someone to answer to, make proud and I will work hard to please and not disappoint. It reminds me of how I would study extra hard before going to a study group.

I was just in the writing section of the library and remembering that I once attended a speaker event at the Y where a sit com writer was there - he had written scripts for the Bob Newhart show for god's sake. I recall going up to him asking personal questions. But where were my parents to encourage me, pave the way, I wrote so much from the time I was 16 to 25 and they weren't really interested. Sure my father harped on something I wrote when I was 10, but so what? It was like once I wrote a one page short story that was all I was good for. And now he flaunts that piece of crap to his grand children like that was the last thing I accomplished.

It isn't like I don't do anything on my own. Most things I do on my own. Nature of being a teacher and a father and a husband. Nature of having useless friends and an inability to make new ones. But it exhausts me. And if salary or family isn't on the line I get too easily distracted and down on myself. Shouldn't I have been a decent athlete by now - run a marathon or something? Shouldn't I have written a novel or been able to play piano in any capacity? Side jobs as a computer or statistics consultant? Anything?

Now that I am kicking myself for being in a lousy teaching position with no plan B and no way out I can see how I have failed myself. Because I wasn't strong enough to go out on my own with anything and my parents never encouraged me or paved my way when I was weak and needed it I find myself here. Why do I complain so much? Because when I had a lot of friends, excellent grades, and went off on my own, nobody paid any attention to me. I didn't even get rides to the Y, but my sister did because she demanded it. When I wasn't capable of asking I never got anything. He never anticipated what I needed. I was, as my mother puts it, the little adult.

Is there nobody in my life that can pick up at least a little of the slack when I need it? Is there nobody for me to give me a smidgen of support in my moments of weakness? I swear I won't take too much. This is the failure I ultimately point to. After all these years, I have useless friends who provide no support.

Not that I am capable of asking. But at least we can make a few teams.

First Day of Exams

After an hour drive home - exactly 60 minutes to drive 16 miles I can reflect ont he first day of exams. Many people didn't show up. That's ok - time to weed out the crap. And many people chose not to study for the exam or even be active during several days of reviews and prep. I will weed them out too. I think at this point I really don't care to fudge the data and jump through hoops. If they are not willing to engage in the scholarship I shouldn't have to make it up for them. School is hard and requires a lot of work. Once the weenie adults who run this system come to accept that then we should be getting somewhere. These are the same weenie adults who are more conserned with their 6 figure salaries and their elections to make any real changes that might inconvenience or insult the voter. So they would rather take it out on the teacher and other professional.

My school, in an attempt to keep itself from closing, is trying to divide itself into Small Learning Communities. This might take several years to get off the ground realistically. I doubt it will. For 1, the principal may not last that long, either through retirement or firing. Then someone with a different vision comes in. Or 2, the school may be one of the next to close. This is a very realistic possiblity.

And as usual, with all endeavors set forth with this system, the wrong approach is being taken. They are using the piling on method - not changing what they have and piling more on top of the heap. My approach would be from the ground up - design the community with very little of the existing situations to influence that design. And then start making course corrections to acckowledge the difficulties, road blocks etc. Their method doesn't acknowledge the roadblocks. The easiest example is where to have meetings - what other gorup would think of meeting in a cluttered classroom where nobody can face each other. It shouldn't be hard to start these things off with wish lists and work from there.

I am fogging up. Students not studying for exams. Students not showing up for exams. And I have to deal with it. Deal with it in a way I find totally uncomfortable and beneith me. Waste of time and resources. No consequences to those who thumbed their nose at the system. If they don't care for me then I don't care for them. Unfortunately, I still have to deal.

I need to get out and do something else. Is there anything that will pay me two hundred grand for something I actually like and has this much security? Do I have any friends or aquaintences to help?

What a waste.

An conference table in an air conditioned room.

Another meeting in a classroom - sitting at desks facing the teacher.  No honest exchange of ideas; just the occasional dishonest exchange when some of the talkers go off on rants.

Responsibilities piled up on us with no regard to timing and contract.  The funny thing is that we could probably accomplish all of these goals if they restructured our days from the ground up.  But the responsibilities are piling up - that is how she gives it to us - piling.  I mean we will not give up our lunch or single prep period.  Hey, as it is, my lunch is a prep period for everything I didn't get done the first time around.  So with two meetings a week, hall patrol, tutoring; that leaves us one day for everything else - phone calls, some sort of adoption, something called inquiry, bulletin boards, phone calls, clubs, ...I am probably forgetting a couple of dozen things.

Why can't we meet in a clean, comfortable room at a conference table, perhaps with refreshments.  Do we really want to see the inside of another cluttered classroom, and from the student perspective?  I can tune out with the best of them since they are even less interesting than me.

They have ideas for these small learning communities but the execution is soooo poor.

I guess the theme of many of the responsibilities is intervention of at risk students.  They are the ones who are absent 100 times.  The goal is to get fannies in the building.  Each nose is money to the system.  It is so much the wrong approach - in a better world, this is dead educational weight that should be left to social work experts, not academics.  Doesn't work in the business model either.  We should be going after the ones who are there mostly but just not getting by - 59 on the regents, fail a class, poor work habits, nobody checking their homework.  Like parents do.  I mean, what is easier - turning a 59 and 20 absences to a 65 and 5 absences?  or turning a 100 absences and a no show on exams into...anything?  Those are the people who are too far behind.  They won't be able to catch up in few months.  In fact, at least through math, they are probably 5 years behind.

Where are the best places to invest time and money?  There are too many places where we are doomed for failure.

Feeling any better these days?

My friend Michael sent me an email asking me the above question.  Every now and then we have a back and forth through the email discussing life and where we are at and why.  This was my response - I guess in a way my messages to him are mini blogs that deserve to be here.

Yeah, I'm fine.  I don't think I was doing so bad when we had our last exchange of emails (knowing what real depression is).  Just confused as to why so many people are in the same place and state of mind and why we all go about it alone.  It's like we are in competition with each other as to who can come out ahead.

I mean, at this point, I am resolved to making changes on my own, but I am still searching for the reasons why.

Right before the school year started I changed buildings.  Now - in the school system I work for (NYC DOE), it is not a different job, since we are all one big happy.  But at least this building isn't closing (yet!!!).  So I have prolonged one of my problems (this school was on the brink last year and I am told things aren't looking up).  So hear I am in year 23 of teaching, crappy classes (morons who couldn't pass the regents the first time around).  I work side by side with 25 year olds doing the same thing.  No growth or advancements.

But as I have been told many times I should be grateful I have a job.  I don't know why people feel good about saying that.  I don't want to be told I should feel grateful (isn't that something you should feel instead of being told??).  It's funny, all of the people i know who have lost jobs were the people who were making FAR more than me.  I mean if they had survived on what I was making and squirreled the rest away they should have more than enough to retire on right now.  But we know people's lifestyles are usually a product of what they pull down.

I think I will stop right hear since I am a little punchy and I am in full babble mode.  See how much you get for asking me if I am feeling better?  Actually I felt like running my fingers out and typing thoughts.

How are you doing on your end?

At Least I Get My Exercise.

Five minutes before first class. I wonder if I had to walk at least a quarter of a mile before I actually made it to the building. Parking south of the building is a bitch. Walking all the way around with the heavy bag. Even when I get to the gaits it is a long walk to the actual stairs - probably a city block of front space. Then up the stairs. I feel my fear of high blood pressure kicking in.

Today I have to work on my photos and videos and my piano and add a few more blogs. I have many blogs on baseball and school systems rattling around in my head.

I Don't Want to Do This Anymore

This may or may not be my first attempt at really keeping a blog.  I've explored blogs before but mostly to keep my recipes and my softball stats.  Now I have too much bursting out of me that needs to be typed.

I started at a new place of work this fall.  In a way it was a really lucky break.  I knew somebody who knew somebody and i got in.  I had to leave my previous place because the building was closing.  I wouldn't have been out of work - we are all one big happy and in reality it is just a building change.  But who knows how bad it can get when the building closes.  It would put me into a deeper part of a town that I really don't want to go to anymore.  So if this building closes at least I will get to sit in a better part of town.  Better Queens than Brooklyn.

I think I have the potential to be a really good writer.  I write good letters and small stories.  But I would like to write a book size thing.

As I change buildings - I am teacher in the huge NYC system, I realize, again, that my career has gone nowhere.  I carry a huge bag several blocks after finding a parking spot into an aging building that probably looked majestic in its day.  I carry that bag around to three classrooms and two floors and several offices.  I am still judged and observed on things I have done for over twenty years.  

I work side by side with colleagues who are twenty years younger than me.  Even though I earn a larger salary it is mostly based on payback for all the crap I have put up with.  The twenty-five year olds haven't put up with all that crap yet and, in reality, they are pulling down a good paycheck for their age and still living at home.  Other than that I have the same responsibilities as they do.  

I teach repeaters - students who couldn't be troubled to show up consistently last year or study for their regents, so they failed their Algebra regents and they get to waste our time and money again.  I wonder if the NYC tax payer really knows how their money is being wasted.

So it is a matter of growth, or lack thereof.  I am teaching the same shit - sorry, worse shit, than I did 20 years ago.  This situation won't improve.  I will never get to teach in a school where I can shine as an academic and feel challenged, and challenge others.  There was a time when that was true - I did get little glimpses of that life - but our schools were in transition and I couldn't appreciate it; and I didn't know enough to get out while I could; and I may have been too young to really be good at it.

So if I am not growing I am dying.I don't get any satisfaction from getting stupid kids to pass a test any idiot could pass by guessing.  Ok, not all of them would classify as stupid.  Unmotivated, lazy, without education values, uninspired.  Passed the years where simple algebra is exciting to them.  This is math for 7th graders, not 16 year olds.  Through their haze they know it is easy math - they recognize it after years and years of seeing the same thing.  In my opinion no teacher can make them feel very excited over a state exam.

But back to me...

I'm not growing.  It will never get any better.  There will never be a professional challenge to want me to leap out of bed.  I know if I said this to people they would throw a lot of "what if you do this" and "why don't you do that" 's at me.  But they don't understand a screwed up poorly run system with a lot of roadblocks, filth, disinterest in their staff, bloat, etc.  Since I still have to pull down a paycheck and finish out this prison sentence I call a career I have to think of a plan B.

Where were my friends?

All these years I was slowly dying - where were the people I surrounded myself with to save me?  All that time invested in making friends wasted.  I don't know why people put so much weight on socializing.  Never did a damn thing for me.  I gave to others and never got anything back.  I was never good at getting out on my own but I have to find some way.

Ok, I'll admit it: I never managed my career.  Teaching wasn't supposed to be a career.  It was a calling, it was teamwork, it was people.  But every time I turned around I saw people leave for better schools or better positions.  Loyalty wasn't as important as playing a system to their best advantage.  I stupidly stayed where I was.  And had to leave many times.  And never had a going away luncheon with Sunshine Fund gifts.  When I got into the system I met teachers that had been teaching longer than I had been alive.  But that was the end of an era.  And teachers quietly expanded themselves - they never discussed it with me or shared it with me - they just went on and waved bye bye. And I never saw the writing on the wall.

Now I still have crappy commutes and dull classes and no growth.  I'm tired and I bet I am getting sick and old inside.  I wonder if I have it in me to finally do something about.  If I do, I will have to do it alone.  And it starts her.  I document the journey.